Lockdown Day 5 - Forgive, but don't forget!

 I went on a random word generator app, and the words that came were these:

It possibly is a great co-incidence that I was thinking of a saga that went on for years together with a friend-turned-into-a-stranger, wondering when was the hatchet actually buried? Did I end it or did he?

Or did the episode eventually die, creating a vacuum, sucking in all the anger and disappointment, slowly turning me into someone who cared less!

Did we actually end up becoming good friends again? Was there ever a possibility of going back to what we were before? No! I don’t think so.

We may have spoken again on many occasions but things never went back to the way they were!

It will take a fiction-attack for me to write the story down, because I can’t really narrate it in first person all that happened! It would be a tough attack on the other person, and one-sided stories are, as you know, biased! I don’t want to be the person who does that! So, we stick to the lessons!

The millennial saying that’s been doing rounds lately is “I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received”.

Woke as it may sound, but we all seek peace. Lately we are actively seeking it. But this has been the human conquest since the very beginning and man has been doing innumerable things to achieve this.

One may say, that humans yearn for happiness, sure! Happiness is the result of peace! When you have no worry about the past and no anxiety about the future, you are pretty sorted. The worries of past majorly consist for 3 things – Regret, Guilt and Hurt!

It is absolutely important to resolve these two before you start living in the present!

The secret to this, forgiveness! There are only two way out of these two emotions – 

Either forgive the other person who’s hurt you, or forgive yourself, and let go of the regret and guilt!

I will speak for myself here!

For years, I have lived with hurt and regrets! Triggers would come in many ways and tickle the wound, sometimes, it would open it so wide, that it would take me back to the time when it was fresh! It would be harrowing!!

I would do numerous things to temporarily, seal the wound – or numb it!

Numbing it would give me a brief period of pleasure and forgetfulness – most of you may know or relate to this feeling as intoxication. The feeling of pain would surely subside, but the wound would remain.

Intoxication is has myriad dimensions. I am not talking about substance abuse here (or perhaps that too!), but one may adhere to extreme measures to forget the pain. I did too. I got busier than usual and did not allow my mind to wander where it would go and get hurt again!

But how long would have that helped? Only so much!

Finally, I realized, I didn’t have to numb the pain anymore. I had to heal it! Only then I would be able to face the triggers more gracefully!

And so I decided to forgive! 

I decided to forgive the other person for being insensitive. I forgave myself for expecting too much. I forgave the other person for defaming me. I forgave myself for not believing in myself enough. I forgave the other person for breaking my friendships, I forgave myself for choosing wrong people. I forgave the other person for saying spiteful things to me. I forgave myself for not drawing the boundaries in closest of relationships and friendship! 

Forgiveness is not a one-time job. Sure, it begins with the first time, which is the hardest, and then you keep doing it over and over again until it stops bothering you. You then know that you have healed the wound and the triggers are just passing winds! Because you have learnt what life had to teach!

Another very precious quote goes like this “You chose your lessons, not the teacher!”.

And so the soul takes you on journeys that are hurtful, expeditious and finally worth living! Learning these beautiful lessons through other people is what life is all about. One cannot exist alone, so we co-exist. We may hurt each other, but we do have the most powerful tool to heal - Forgiveness!

I was once told - You needn't learn lessons through anger, hurt or fear! They can be learnt through love too! And believe me, that is the best way!

Forgiveness isn’t just a fancy word – it is an elixir to all dying souls, who have not felt love and vigor in a while – if you are one of them – try it!

Forgive, but don’t forget the lesson!

Lockdown day 4 - Introspection during Isolation

Copyright : Obscureoptimist

Isolation is hard. There are so many things that have been sporadic in our list of priorities. We'd pick things up on a patch-fix basis, and not address the most important ones despite knowing the severity!

I am sure we have had a list of things we wanted to do or achieve, or become and never found the time to do so. There are basic things, like cleaning up, which probably was pending since years, has finally found attention of people. I see people exercising - ones who have never had time to do it more diligently before. I see people reading out poems on their IGTV, and sharing beautiful thoughts on their social media.

I see people doing math equations, quizzes and puzzles and sharing them on whatsapp. The mind is being put to work!

People are basically thinking what more to do than what they have always been doing. Especially now when there is nothing to do, nowhere to be.

How beautiful, right?!

I have been binge watching a few series on Netflix. I finished You, and Stranger things - All seasons and now life has come to a standstill. You know how it is, right? I want to watch more series, but there is nothing that can match the rush and excitement that these two series gave me. I guess now it's time to move on to another genre!

The content consumption for me has indeed been drastic. For years, I've had no time to watch the so-called netflix hits, series that were acclaimed. I was always lagging and wouldn't match the consumption speed of people around me. Just because, a good night's sleep after a tired day at work seemed less ludicrous,  and more exciting, I would give up on series and prefer sleeping instead!

It's like, when you've been hungry for days, and you find food, you gobble up only to realise that your appetite is only so much! Then you go without food for another few days and find what really suits your gut.

Same is the case when we feed our minds with things. We have been in a rut, or a routine, whatever you want to call it, since years now. A break to it, has given us an opportunity to delve into all possibility our mind thinks we've missed. So we try to exercise, cook, put posts on social media, try to read, watch series, sing, dance, clean, and eventually reach a dead end, because it isn't giving you the feeling you hoped for!

You want to do things, but it's not really enjoyable! Have you felt this?

It takes a while to break patterns and develop new ones! If you have been observant enough, you will know what is working for you and what isn't. If you need physical rest, give your body all of it. If you need a mental break, take a break and rejuvenate, healthily. IF you need an emotional detox - dissociate from people who cause emotional distress. This isn't a competition. you don't have to do it all during this quarantine time .You can choose to heal, rest, and treat your body, heart and mind they way you want!

Isolation is a great time to do all of it.

And when you have healed, sealed all the gaps, take on the things that you always wanted to do with renewed energy and head-space! You may think this is a long quarantine!! But believe me, it isn't. Time is too less, and if you see and think about all that you always wanted to do, the days are passing by way too quickly.

Rejuvenate your body mind and soul, and find the purpose, which has been long forgotten!

Try it!! The other side of all this, will be golden!!!

Lockdown Day 3 ~ The Mind is a Cage!

It's a dumb post! Really. You can skip it if you want!

I am jotting it down just for the heck of it. Today is day 3 of the lockdown and  I had to step out of the house for some essentials. I went out on Day 1 too, but that was panic calling in and I had to stock up. The other day the roads were awfully quiet and it felt eerie and lonely outside.

It was a very stressful outing. I also was supposed to carry some stuff for my neighbours who couldn’t go out. During this outing, I realised, what a cage we live in. The cage obviously is the mind! My panic and anxiety peaked. I am usually not the one who stresses out so easily. I have a pretty good control over any situation until it really goes overboard. This was perhaps one of those situations.

I remember my grandfather telling me the stories of war. How it used to be during the British time, or during the China war and how during a curfew getting basic necessity was a big deal. They survived through it all. As a generation we are surely better than our grandparents - most of us I assume!

We have bigger houses to live in, food stocked up, and most important we have phone and internet with which we can get in touch with our families who are also isolated in another part of the country!

This time, the trains and basic transportation services were also stopped - this is for the first time in history - imagine the gravity of the situation! And we thought our grandparents have seen it all! And it’s all good for us now!

Nope!

Today the roads had some people going around for groceries too - rather too freely. Was I one of them I wondered. My want probably is a need for someone else at the moment! Do you know, how we go out and buy two things extra anticipating that we will use it when the time comes!

Do you have those multi color mugs, plates and spoons? Or multi flavoured biscuits, oats and noodles?

Or a variety of fruits?

Believe me, I have hoarded all of these too, not just during this time of lockdown, but all the time. Despite giving minimalism a priority, an inherent human tendency to hoard, always stays! It is a fight for survival, after all! Whose survival now though?

It startles me, how we become family oriented - thinking about a select few, when there are so many out there, walking hundreds of kilometres back home! They are a family too. Could we do something for them? Are we already doing?

If I were in their place, what kind of anxiety would I have? I could even pass out or die given that situation of homelessness, hunger, water depravity and only way of reaching home is to - walk!

 It makes no sense to have anxiety, sitting an apartment, with groceries stocked up!

IT IS ALL IN THE MIND!

The mind is the cage and one needs to set everything in it free.. Breathe freely, and be beyond the doubts of "What if".

I know one fact for sure - Nature made us, and for sure she will take care! Either she will provide, or teach a lesson!

It's up to us to be grateful in all that she has to offer and learn whatever the lesson is …. Or misuse and -stay dumb!

There is a lot of depth and lot of layers in whatever is happening!! Set the mind free, you will see it. Believe me~!!

~

Lockdown Day 2 - Where are you Summer?

Picture Courtesy : Diba

Oh! Sweet Summer

You are as late as my lover,

Who promised to come with warmth of distant lands

And a little sea.

He said he would bring the silences of the woods

And some mystery

Long so long, just like you, Summer,

The sky's been shrouded for far too long

And The clouds are

 in a constant uproar!

I can't tolerate the unforgiving wind

The sea can't stay put on the shore

~

Hopes rising

And falling

Just like tides

The waves, were locked down

For far too long!

The spell has changed the lunar moods

Can't tell, If we all can play along!

Bit by bit,

like the day crumbling into

The dungeons of night

We are touching

what's the trough of it all

A gentle wish, to rise to the crest

To stay afloat, on the other side

After this mighty, mighty Fall!

***

It has been raining, hasn't it? 

What is like in your part of the world? I am not sure what season it's supposed to be right now, but after years of following a certain pattern, I know that this time of the year is Summer! At least the starting of it, if not the peak!

But there are no signs of it.  A few days back, when it started to feel a little warm, I was a tad relaxed, thinking how this will weaken the virus. They say it doesn't exist beyond 27-30 Deg C. But the temperatures have been dropping and though the idea of summers being cool is welcoming, we want this summer to hit its peak as soon as possible. 

What does humidity do to you? Irritate you? Make you comfortable? What is it?

It's like a bad mixture of two potions. You don't get to taste either blissfully! But one good thing about whatever season / weather the nature has been throwing at us, is the colors in the sky!

I am eternally in love with the colors of the sky! I love taking pictures of the vast azure, I love deciphering how nature speaks to us in different shades. I sometimes feel, I am the sky, expanded infinitely, encompassing all that is, and sometimes, it feels like a mere illusion. You know it's there, but it isn't. Sometimes, like my own existence!

Lockdown Day 1

Amidst all that is happening, I thought, i might as well, journal all that is happening during the times of covid-19.

This is day-5 of isolation for me. From what I see on social media and internet, I know that some people have been indoors for longer than that. It really hit me, when the maids were refused entry in our society. That is how dependent we are on external factors.

Organically my diet reduced to what was ''essential" for survival as compared to treating oneself as  a perk for working hard all through the day. Obviously what followed was also cleaning up after meals and maintaining the house. It had been a long time since I did it all on my own. 

I am sure many would be blogging about what they are doing during this lockdown, but I would like to highlight, how wonderfully my affirmations are manifesting.

During the start of 2020, I picked two words for the year - Consistency and Discipline. Both in the same order and sense. None higher than the other.  This was regarding all that I wanted to do in my life but had missed for very many reasons - Writing being one of them! I had fortunately become consistent with writing lately, of course medium being Instagram or just little musings in my diary.

The idea was to be consistent with one post per day, even if it wasn't publishable. While looking back, and turning the pages of my diary, I noted, that I had indeed made a commitment of being regular on the blog too. But that never happened. It has been ages since I took my writing seriously, though that is the only one thing I want to be known by.

Silly and strange how things become.

I had gotten way to busy, in my professional life that I barely found time to feed my interests some time and energy. Finally this lock-down pushed me to do it.

I wish I could have started jotting down a true account of my isolation right from my Day 1, but better late than never!

Day 5 is not too bad, considering the government extended the lock-down to 21 days starting 24th March Midnight.

Also, one of the more interesting things is that - This is the period of Aries  (the sun-sign). And I love this time of the year. I hope this bring revelations to all of us, great health, cheer and realizations.

Bear with me, as I mend my blog posts, become more consistent with the format and gradually bring in the much needed discipline in publishing it online.

After all, in the times of social media, the beauty of journaling, never fades!

How are you keeping up with the lock-down?

Writer's Un-block!

Courtesy : @Obscureoptimist

Probably one of the finest discussions I've ever had is how does a writer's block undo itself?
It doesn't. Or in a way it does. It's very organic in nature
It slowly creates such a huge vacuum - the absence and lack of words. Then the vacuum keeps expanding and that territory is an absolute new for you. You want to think that you've known it, because it exists inside of you, but you don't

Slowly it creates a restlessness and the need to express arises. This need is precisely from that vacuum and nothing else

And one fine day, at a certain place, time, with a paper and pen you start scribbling, making doodles, in the delusion that you've been in a writer's block for while and nothing will really make you pour your heart out. .
But a strong urge pushes you to word everything down

And knowingly or unknowingly your breakup with words seems reach a climax and the love flows effortlessly

This effortlessness is a place of sheer peace and knowing of oneself

That's when true expressions begin

And the writer's block goes away with the wind!
On. Its. Own!

The Kakeibo - The Japanese Art of Saving Money

This decade began on a really great note!
I came across this book called The Kakeibo which is the Japanese art of saving money and 2 months down, I do see some discipline in my spending.
It suggests asking these 4 very important questions. I wish I knew this before!

Courtesy:  Google Images

As Indians, we used to be very very good at saving money and hence growing them into bigger funds.
Look at what our moms did?
The monthly expenses would also accommodate kitties and savings and thereby the housewives would also successfully end up saving real good money by the end of every month.
Women are therefore known to be great managers. They know the art of minimalism, and running the household lavishly in a middle house income, was a cakewalk!
Our generation, sure lacks this skill. The savings are almost nil and expenses are over the roof. The credit card bills are a pain and the unending loan EMIs leave us with nothing by the 10th of every month. Further, until the end of the month, it sure is a struggle.
I am sure we all are in a similar situation if not same.
Planning Expenses, investments and savings is a skill.


Warren Buffet has quoted :
Do not save what is left after spending; instead spend what is left after saving.

And to follow this one principle, I picked up this book. Kakeibo has really helped me visualize!
Visualization is the first step of achieving something. We have a habit of swiping our cards left right center, losing track of what we spend.
The secret of saving money is to break the month up into weeks and plan for a single week at a time. Further break it into days of the week and plan the days accordingly. This visualization, at the start of month / week is really really helpful.
This exercise has gotten me on a great start to the year and i hope I improve my saving habits.
I highly recommend this book / saving journal to all. I'll revisit this review by the end of 2020 and have an update!
You must invest in this book to begin with, and once it becomes a habit, you can maintain your own ledger
I wish and hope a very happy saving and wonderful plans thereafter~!
Rating : 4/5

Kids these days!

In utter disbelief, I gawked at the video screen when my sister told me a conversation that she and her 2.5 year old had at the doctors.

Doc to Kabir : Hi, What is your name?

Kabir: Kabir. I am a good boy.

Doc : Great. How's Life?

Kabir: Life is dangerous!

Oh so true!

It indeed is. Just that he mistook Life for Knife and said how you'd get hurt and how Life is dangerous. In silly repartee, most profound truths come out. This was one such truth.

I wonder what is happening at consciousness level, that is producing this magnificent generation of kids who can actually converse at the age of 2. Mind you, these conversations are not just any conversations, but have a depth, that you may normally ignore, citing the age, but if you really indulge, you'd know the immense depth they carry.

So Kabir loves talking to his Ammamma (Naani/Grandmother) and he usually prefers talking to her over me. So, my sister asked him if he disliked me? He did not say he did, all he said was, he wanted to talk to Ammamma. She insisted again, but never did he accept that he did not like me.

There is no concept of dislike in the dictionary of a 2 year old, wrt people. They just prefer one thing or one person more than the others. 

The concept of dislike is introduced by adults, who, over a period of time have developed a few. There is nothing to dislike, per se, sure - one can have preferences.

There is so much to learn from kids.

I imagine, sometimes, what the world would be if it were run by kids. Kids making big decisions of war and budget - there'd be none. They would trade their legos for food, and games for milk. Their actions would be backed by love alone. No political correctness, and no greed, nothing. Sheer barter system.

The world needs innocence and purity. The world needs sheer love and I am sure, it will be what it is meant to be!

Kids these days - should retain this innocence when they grow up too! Mankind has bright chances of surviving, this way!

There are so many stories, worth telling, since I have so many wonderful kids around me, but, one at a time! 

Book Review - The Tattooist of Auschwitz

Before I jump on to the book review, here are some facts about the Birkenau Concentration Camp, Auschwitz.

1. The Birkenau camp was the largest of the more than 40 camps and sub-camps

2. The Auschwitz camp consisted of 28 blocks. Most of them were residential buildings for prisoners. The blocks were intended for about 700 prisoners, however, their number reached even 1,200. In the second part of the camp – Birkenau – there were two types of barracks for prisoners: brick and wooden. Each of them lacked sanitary facilities, lights, and heating. 

3. Prisoners had to undress before bathing in their barracks and – regardless of weather conditions – go naked to the bathhouse. For many prisoners, it ended with illness and death.

4. Jewish prisoners were persecuted during the procedure of admission to the camp. Authorities treated Jews most ruthlessly, often with sophisticated cruelty. According to SS the value of their life was the lowest. All of them became victims of hunger, cold, work beyond strength and constant abuse or died in gas chambers.

5. There were about 232 000 of children under the age of 18 years deported to the Auschwitz-Birkenau camp.

6. At least 1 million of Jews were killed in Auschwitz

7. A lot of prisoners were used in cruel Joseph Mengele’s pseudo-medical experiments.

Source: https://discovercracow.com/auschwitz-facts/

The book is based on a true love story of Lale and Gita (Ludwig Eisenberg and Gisela Furman), who survived the horrific time at the Birkenau Concentration Camp. This book doesn't necessarily represent the dark truth of the concentration camps unbeknownst to the humans of 21st century, but it beautifully, does take us through the pain and sufferings of two hearts who found love amidst pain and torment.

Why should you read this book:

1. If you haven't read any book based on WW2, this is one of the books you should begin with.

2. It's a love story! 

3. The writer beautifully takes us through the bunks, blocks, buildings of the camps with each character strongly exhibiting grit and strength. This is a book that will instill your dying hope in humanity! 

4. World history is very underrated. You must read first hand stories and not what is only written in text books!

5. You will appreciate everything you have in life! This story must be shared, told, heard and read!

Why shouldn't you read this book:

1. This is not one of the best reads, in the genre of Holocaust fiction books. Sure there have been better. 

2. This book was written for a movie, I guess, so the flow of the story is a tad flawed, but the bright side is, it is very easily imaginable and easy to read

3. If you are not a fan of love stories don't pick this up!

4. If you want to stay in denial about WW2 and the holocaust, you can give this a miss!

5. There was definitely a lot that could've been there in the book. It could have been more inclusive. You feel the need to know more about other characters! 

But this was about Lale (32407) and Gita and you end up falling in love with their personalities!

Read it anyway! :)

Lale - Tattoo # 32407

Rating this book - 4 stars out of 5

Thank you Sarvesh for recommending this one!! :)

The Year that Was - 2018

2018 has been a year of ups and downs. There have been times when I thought - 'life's over and I cannot keep going on anymore'. And then there have been times, when I thought, 'hmm...not so bad!'

One thing that I learnt in 2018 was - to never give up! When 2018 dawned, I had chosen a word for the year - Resonance!

I stuck by it, and only tried to do things, or be with people with whom I resonated!
Mind you, the word did not pop up on it''s own! It was this message, that I kept seeing on Instagram for a number of times, and I decided to hold on to the sign! 

Going by that, here are some of the "tops" of 2018! 

Top 5 moments of 2018:
1. Meeting my nephew and nieces - Sheer Joy!
2. Chance to be a part of Heartfulness movement, day after day!
3. Meeting my Best Friend after 2 years!
4. Family Reunion!
5. Baby news - from BFFs!

Top 5 "Firsts" of  2018:
1. My First House!
2. My First long drive in my new car!
3. My First time watching a Live Cricket Match!
4. My First time making Sizzlers!
5. My First time with Keto Diet! - Meh! :/

Top 5 things I "Learnt (Skillwise)" in 2018:
1. Self-Love
2. Anger/Mood Management
3. Technical Skills
4. Guitar - Still a long way to go
5. Meditation/Introspection Techniques

Now coming to the Not-so-Good parts of 2018

Top 5 "No-so-good" things that happened:

1. Physical Health - took  a toll! 2019 - Will be the year of transformation!
2. Mental Health - breakdowns and anxiety did not leave me. I managed to live with it, thanks to sincere Meditation and Inner Connect! I have had trust issues, and they continued this year! I cannot easily place my trust in anyone!
3. Though, I learnt really well to manage my anger, but there were times, when the gush of emotions, the heat would consume me! I was thankfully, able to manage it!
4. I did not do well, work wise, hence money wise. 
5. My center of attention was always something/someone apart from me.
(Though, Self-Love was a constant struggle, I did try to draw my attention to the more important things, than other people and other distractions. Late last year, I did a 21 days stint to inculcate a habit and it worked well!)


Top 5 "Lessons from mistakes" of 2019:

1. Don't take your health for granted!
2. Be smarter, when it comes to money!
3. Have goals - short and long term and work towards it!
Can you imagine, I did not have any goals this year - personal/nor professional! I completely missed the point of self-improvement, while trying to manage other weak points of my life
4. BREATHE. Properly. It helps - so so much!
5. Gratitude! No matter what happened, I learnt to accept and be thankful for it. This made things a little easier!

Philosophical Achievement - I understood the meaning of Killat (Less Money), Illat (Ill-Health), Zillat (Criticism) in true terms, and I am so thankful, the experiences in 2018 taught me humility in true terms.

The word/phrase of 2019 is - "Let Go" (Of Inhibitions and blockages which have been holding me back for so so long!). "The Art of Life is "Letting Go" - (read this on instagram again!)

May 2019 be a year of learning/yearning and earning - good health, wealth and peace for one and all!

Happy New Year!

*clink*

Where I want to be!

Where your fingers get entangled in mine
Where your head rests on my shoulder
Where your breath caresses my skin
While you slowly fall asleep...
That's where I want to be..

Where your tiny toes tickle my tummy
Where your hair kisses my cheeks
Where your smile converges into mine
While you look for me...
That's where I want to be..

When nights turn into day
Listening to your stories
Where sun-rays are warmth
Like you holding me..
That's where I want to be..