Lockdown day 4 - Introspection during Isolation

Copyright : Obscureoptimist

Isolation is hard. There are so many things that have been sporadic in our list of priorities. We'd pick things up on a patch-fix basis, and not address the most important ones despite knowing the severity!

I am sure we have had a list of things we wanted to do or achieve, or become and never found the time to do so. There are basic things, like cleaning up, which probably was pending since years, has finally found attention of people. I see people exercising - ones who have never had time to do it more diligently before. I see people reading out poems on their IGTV, and sharing beautiful thoughts on their social media.

I see people doing math equations, quizzes and puzzles and sharing them on whatsapp. The mind is being put to work!

People are basically thinking what more to do than what they have always been doing. Especially now when there is nothing to do, nowhere to be.

How beautiful, right?!

I have been binge watching a few series on Netflix. I finished You, and Stranger things - All seasons and now life has come to a standstill. You know how it is, right? I want to watch more series, but there is nothing that can match the rush and excitement that these two series gave me. I guess now it's time to move on to another genre!

The content consumption for me has indeed been drastic. For years, I've had no time to watch the so-called netflix hits, series that were acclaimed. I was always lagging and wouldn't match the consumption speed of people around me. Just because, a good night's sleep after a tired day at work seemed less ludicrous,  and more exciting, I would give up on series and prefer sleeping instead!

It's like, when you've been hungry for days, and you find food, you gobble up only to realise that your appetite is only so much! Then you go without food for another few days and find what really suits your gut.

Same is the case when we feed our minds with things. We have been in a rut, or a routine, whatever you want to call it, since years now. A break to it, has given us an opportunity to delve into all possibility our mind thinks we've missed. So we try to exercise, cook, put posts on social media, try to read, watch series, sing, dance, clean, and eventually reach a dead end, because it isn't giving you the feeling you hoped for!

You want to do things, but it's not really enjoyable! Have you felt this?

It takes a while to break patterns and develop new ones! If you have been observant enough, you will know what is working for you and what isn't. If you need physical rest, give your body all of it. If you need a mental break, take a break and rejuvenate, healthily. IF you need an emotional detox - dissociate from people who cause emotional distress. This isn't a competition. you don't have to do it all during this quarantine time .You can choose to heal, rest, and treat your body, heart and mind they way you want!

Isolation is a great time to do all of it.

And when you have healed, sealed all the gaps, take on the things that you always wanted to do with renewed energy and head-space! You may think this is a long quarantine!! But believe me, it isn't. Time is too less, and if you see and think about all that you always wanted to do, the days are passing by way too quickly.

Rejuvenate your body mind and soul, and find the purpose, which has been long forgotten!

Try it!! The other side of all this, will be golden!!!

Lockdown Day 3 ~ The Mind is a Cage!

It's a dumb post! Really. You can skip it if you want!

I am jotting it down just for the heck of it. Today is day 3 of the lockdown and  I had to step out of the house for some essentials. I went out on Day 1 too, but that was panic calling in and I had to stock up. The other day the roads were awfully quiet and it felt eerie and lonely outside.

It was a very stressful outing. I also was supposed to carry some stuff for my neighbours who couldn’t go out. During this outing, I realised, what a cage we live in. The cage obviously is the mind! My panic and anxiety peaked. I am usually not the one who stresses out so easily. I have a pretty good control over any situation until it really goes overboard. This was perhaps one of those situations.

I remember my grandfather telling me the stories of war. How it used to be during the British time, or during the China war and how during a curfew getting basic necessity was a big deal. They survived through it all. As a generation we are surely better than our grandparents - most of us I assume!

We have bigger houses to live in, food stocked up, and most important we have phone and internet with which we can get in touch with our families who are also isolated in another part of the country!

This time, the trains and basic transportation services were also stopped - this is for the first time in history - imagine the gravity of the situation! And we thought our grandparents have seen it all! And it’s all good for us now!

Nope!

Today the roads had some people going around for groceries too - rather too freely. Was I one of them I wondered. My want probably is a need for someone else at the moment! Do you know, how we go out and buy two things extra anticipating that we will use it when the time comes!

Do you have those multi color mugs, plates and spoons? Or multi flavoured biscuits, oats and noodles?

Or a variety of fruits?

Believe me, I have hoarded all of these too, not just during this time of lockdown, but all the time. Despite giving minimalism a priority, an inherent human tendency to hoard, always stays! It is a fight for survival, after all! Whose survival now though?

It startles me, how we become family oriented - thinking about a select few, when there are so many out there, walking hundreds of kilometres back home! They are a family too. Could we do something for them? Are we already doing?

If I were in their place, what kind of anxiety would I have? I could even pass out or die given that situation of homelessness, hunger, water depravity and only way of reaching home is to - walk!

 It makes no sense to have anxiety, sitting an apartment, with groceries stocked up!

IT IS ALL IN THE MIND!

The mind is the cage and one needs to set everything in it free.. Breathe freely, and be beyond the doubts of "What if".

I know one fact for sure - Nature made us, and for sure she will take care! Either she will provide, or teach a lesson!

It's up to us to be grateful in all that she has to offer and learn whatever the lesson is …. Or misuse and -stay dumb!

There is a lot of depth and lot of layers in whatever is happening!! Set the mind free, you will see it. Believe me~!!

~

Lockdown Day 1

Amidst all that is happening, I thought, i might as well, journal all that is happening during the times of covid-19.

This is day-5 of isolation for me. From what I see on social media and internet, I know that some people have been indoors for longer than that. It really hit me, when the maids were refused entry in our society. That is how dependent we are on external factors.

Organically my diet reduced to what was ''essential" for survival as compared to treating oneself as  a perk for working hard all through the day. Obviously what followed was also cleaning up after meals and maintaining the house. It had been a long time since I did it all on my own. 

I am sure many would be blogging about what they are doing during this lockdown, but I would like to highlight, how wonderfully my affirmations are manifesting.

During the start of 2020, I picked two words for the year - Consistency and Discipline. Both in the same order and sense. None higher than the other.  This was regarding all that I wanted to do in my life but had missed for very many reasons - Writing being one of them! I had fortunately become consistent with writing lately, of course medium being Instagram or just little musings in my diary.

The idea was to be consistent with one post per day, even if it wasn't publishable. While looking back, and turning the pages of my diary, I noted, that I had indeed made a commitment of being regular on the blog too. But that never happened. It has been ages since I took my writing seriously, though that is the only one thing I want to be known by.

Silly and strange how things become.

I had gotten way to busy, in my professional life that I barely found time to feed my interests some time and energy. Finally this lock-down pushed me to do it.

I wish I could have started jotting down a true account of my isolation right from my Day 1, but better late than never!

Day 5 is not too bad, considering the government extended the lock-down to 21 days starting 24th March Midnight.

Also, one of the more interesting things is that - This is the period of Aries  (the sun-sign). And I love this time of the year. I hope this bring revelations to all of us, great health, cheer and realizations.

Bear with me, as I mend my blog posts, become more consistent with the format and gradually bring in the much needed discipline in publishing it online.

After all, in the times of social media, the beauty of journaling, never fades!

How are you keeping up with the lock-down?

The Year that Was - 2018

2018 has been a year of ups and downs. There have been times when I thought - 'life's over and I cannot keep going on anymore'. And then there have been times, when I thought, 'hmm...not so bad!'

One thing that I learnt in 2018 was - to never give up! When 2018 dawned, I had chosen a word for the year - Resonance!

I stuck by it, and only tried to do things, or be with people with whom I resonated!
Mind you, the word did not pop up on it''s own! It was this message, that I kept seeing on Instagram for a number of times, and I decided to hold on to the sign! 

Going by that, here are some of the "tops" of 2018! 

Top 5 moments of 2018:
1. Meeting my nephew and nieces - Sheer Joy!
2. Chance to be a part of Heartfulness movement, day after day!
3. Meeting my Best Friend after 2 years!
4. Family Reunion!
5. Baby news - from BFFs!

Top 5 "Firsts" of  2018:
1. My First House!
2. My First long drive in my new car!
3. My First time watching a Live Cricket Match!
4. My First time making Sizzlers!
5. My First time with Keto Diet! - Meh! :/

Top 5 things I "Learnt (Skillwise)" in 2018:
1. Self-Love
2. Anger/Mood Management
3. Technical Skills
4. Guitar - Still a long way to go
5. Meditation/Introspection Techniques

Now coming to the Not-so-Good parts of 2018

Top 5 "No-so-good" things that happened:

1. Physical Health - took  a toll! 2019 - Will be the year of transformation!
2. Mental Health - breakdowns and anxiety did not leave me. I managed to live with it, thanks to sincere Meditation and Inner Connect! I have had trust issues, and they continued this year! I cannot easily place my trust in anyone!
3. Though, I learnt really well to manage my anger, but there were times, when the gush of emotions, the heat would consume me! I was thankfully, able to manage it!
4. I did not do well, work wise, hence money wise. 
5. My center of attention was always something/someone apart from me.
(Though, Self-Love was a constant struggle, I did try to draw my attention to the more important things, than other people and other distractions. Late last year, I did a 21 days stint to inculcate a habit and it worked well!)


Top 5 "Lessons from mistakes" of 2019:

1. Don't take your health for granted!
2. Be smarter, when it comes to money!
3. Have goals - short and long term and work towards it!
Can you imagine, I did not have any goals this year - personal/nor professional! I completely missed the point of self-improvement, while trying to manage other weak points of my life
4. BREATHE. Properly. It helps - so so much!
5. Gratitude! No matter what happened, I learnt to accept and be thankful for it. This made things a little easier!

Philosophical Achievement - I understood the meaning of Killat (Less Money), Illat (Ill-Health), Zillat (Criticism) in true terms, and I am so thankful, the experiences in 2018 taught me humility in true terms.

The word/phrase of 2019 is - "Let Go" (Of Inhibitions and blockages which have been holding me back for so so long!). "The Art of Life is "Letting Go" - (read this on instagram again!)

May 2019 be a year of learning/yearning and earning - good health, wealth and peace for one and all!

Happy New Year!

*clink*

Back with a Doodle!

Art Courtesy : Diba Raza

When nothing else was inspiring enough, this doodle did what, pain and joy couldn't do - it made me write again! There are so many issues going around,  that I did feel the need to express but was too lazy to pen it down and put it on the blog. But things have to be said, if you feel so strongly! And hence, I am back. Like always, there is a comeback and then a long hiatus. But, microblogging can be easily converted to a full fledged blog post, and that doesn't require efforts. I guess!

So, I was wondering....
about Gurmehar
about Hate Crimes going on in Trumpland
about the abysmal performance of the Indian cricket team against Australia
about Single Parenthood! (Congratulations to Karan Johar on becoming a father to a wonderful pair of twins)
about Surrogacy being illegal
about how Earth is breathing at a higher frequency proving that human consciousness is evolving
about AIB's video on Women's besties and on air with AIB's comeback!
about Ayesha Takia's Botox! (Yes, I have an opinion on this as well!)
about not being able to spot all 32 states on the map of India! (and the plight of fellow Indians)!
...
and the list is really really long!
I wonder if I have so much to talk about, why don't I?

Courtesy: Google Images

What's keeping me soooo busy? -->

It's time to get back to interests - my own!
Hence the comeback! yet again!


***


PS: What do you think of the blog header and the awesome doodle? 

B for Bengaluru

Copyright : obscureoptimist

Dear Bengaluru,

You may be titled as one of the IT hubs for identification purposes.
But you are not about that alone, dear city. You are so much more.

You are about the beautiful mains and crosses of Malleswaram and Hanumanth Nagar. 
You are the fragrance of filter coffee of Vidyarthi bhavan on Gandhi Road. 
You are the poshness of beautiful houses in Indiranagar and Srinagara. 
You are the beautiful roads of Rajajinagar, the market of Commercial street and the book hub on the avenue road. 
You are the softness of Mysore silk and shine of the Bangalore silk. 
You are about the metros connecting the sizable areas of MG road and the likes. 
You are about the culture at Rangashankara and history of Lalbagh and Cubbon parks.

You are about the chaos at Marathalli and Silkboard, you are about the styles trending in Koramangala and MG road. 
You are about the places you are surrounded with..
You are about the airport which is not even in you, it is so so far! How do you live with it?

You are so much that one could think of and experience. 
And I am so glad I could experience your evening rains and assert the claims which people lay of the weather of Bengaluru. 
I will miss the warmth though, which has started to replace the pleasant drizzles of the evening.

I have been in a love with you on certain levels. 
I have hated you far too many times too.
From exploring your streets, to looking for houses, I have been in all the nooks and corners, possible. 
And I realized, you are very naive. 
Old, but naive. And that's your beauty.

I wish I could ask you...do you miss people when they leave you? 
Well, that's a rough question, and stupid when I personify cities and expect them to miss people. 
But that's what I do. I live and end up loving the places I've stayed at.

But, if you ask me how much will I miss you if I leave... I'll say...Gotthilla...

...Tumbaa...

Thank you, Bengaluru!

~obscureoptimist

The Broken Lamp

Picture Courtesy : Diba

He sat amidst a group of people prattling away, sometimes singing and sometimes ordering things around. He watched as the clay took shape and his elder sister applied ochre to the clay pots and lamps. He was amused by how the wheel turned around.

One, two, three…he would count and then lose track of his counting as the wheel spun faster. He was particularly mesmerized by the reddle and how it looked so beautifully red in color. He wished to color his hand, but countless reprimands made him sit on a pile of sand, from where he saw his sister work hard. He collected small pieces of mirror around, as he passed his time. “Careful Krishna. Stay away from glass pieces”, his sister would intermittently call out.

“70 more, and you can leave for the day, Swati”, Kishorilal suggested, as he inspected the clay pots, the lamps and designs that Swati made. Krishna smiled, as he realized, that he could leave with his sister, as soon she finished 70 more lamps. He observed her and started counting again. The lamps, this time.

“You should go to school now!”, Kishorilal insisted.

“That’s ok Sir”, I will paint these first and then leave.

“You can do it tomorrow, Swati. There is still time for Diwali”, Kishorilal said.

Swati smiled, as Kishorilal tapped on her head and left. She looked at Krishna who was busy playing with the mirror pieces he had collected.

“Krishna, do you want water?”, Swati looked at her little brother, just 5 years old, and signaled him to come and sit next to her.

All of 14, Swati was a doting sister. Krishna never missed his mother much, who died when he was 1. His father, a farmer would work 16 hours in a day, while his sister worked in her spare time. He excitedly, got down from the pile of sand, slipping away happily and rolled down to reach where Swati was sitting.

She dusted the sand off his legs and hands, and gave him a glass of water.

“What are you doing exactly?”, Krishna asked as he gulped down the water.

“These are lamps. You can put oil in this, like this, and put a wick in it, and light it. It will glow and pass through these designs I’ve made and people can hang it outside the door or keep it in the porch”, she showed him the intricacies of the designs, as she took out the dried lamps from the kiln and started painting it.

“Can I paint one?”, Krishna asked.

“Umm…ok.. Take this”, she handed him a broken lamp and gave him a piece of cloth.

“You are doing all the difficult ones, and you have given me such an easy one!”, Krishna complained.

“You are new to this. Try the simple one first. If you do this well, I’ll give you another. But no mischief, ok?”, Swati warned.

Krishna smiled, as he observed his sister take a piece of cloth, dip it in the reddle and go over the lamp in linear motion. He repeated the same thing. He painted all the broken pieces and wondered how could it hold oil and where could he place the wick.

Swati’s lot looked finished with paint beautifully put over it. Krishna looked at it in awe, and wondered, if he could carry one back too!

“Can we take and light those lamps?”, Krishna asked, pointing to the lamps Swati just finished.

“They are not ours, Krishna. So no! We can’t!”, Swati replied tranquilly.

“Didi, then can we light these lamps for Diwali, at our house?”, he asked Swati as he showed her the one he painted.

“These are broken, Krishna, how can you light them?”, Swati asked.

“Hmm”, Krishna wondered.

After wrapping up the work for the day, Swati collected her daily wage and left for her evening school along with her brother. Satisfied, she heaved a sigh of contentment, and smiled as both of them capered their way towards school.

“Krishna, why did you bring all the broken lamp pieces with you? What’s the use?”, Swati asked.

“I painted them, so I kept them with me”, Krishna said.

“You did a very good job. If you quietly help me like this, you needn't sit away every day. I hate punishing you. You can sit with me, and I will teach you how to make lamps and pots”, Swati suggested.

“That’s a nice idea. But I don’t like this!”, Krishna whined.

“What?”, Swati asked.

“You make lamps; you put them in the kiln, and then paint them too. Why can’t we take 5 or 6 or 7 out of the 100 you make in a day?”, Krishna asked.

“That’s not the right thing to do, Krishna. We should pay if we want to take them”, she answered.

“Then would we have to pay and buy lamps for Diwali?”, Krishna asked.

“Yes. I will ask Kishorilal Uncle to give us at a cheaper rate”, Swati reassured Krishna.

“Don’t bother, Didi”, Krishna replied. “I have an idea”.

“What idea?”, Swati asked.

Krishna simply smiled. “Tell me”, she insisted.

“Later!”, he dodged.

“Please Krishna. No trouble, No mischief ok?”, Swati probed.

Krishna laughed his way to the school, as Swati chased him.

***

As Diwali came, all the lamps got sold, and the demand increased. The cost increased too. Swati hesitated in asking for lamps at a cheaper rate. Wondering how to explain it to Krishna, she started framing alibis. While she was preparing answers, she heard Krishna’s voice.

“Look Didi. We have a brighter Diwali than most people”, Krishna called his sister out and showed her his array of broken lamps with pieces of mirror placed in it.

“Wow”, Swati exclaimed as her eyes twinkled, with the reflection of the streetlight from the mirror.

“This is brighter than the oil and wick, Krishna. You are brilliant!”, Swati praised him.

“See, I told you I had an idea, Didn’t I?” Krishna felt proud.

“Of course you did. Let baba come and see, he’ll be very happy!”, Swati said.

The new moon, somewhere in the dark sky, wished to be a part of this bright Diwali in the house of Krishna and Swati.

***

Misophonia : Stage 4.

That's what I am suffering from. They say when any disease reaches stage 4- then there is no coming back. I knew something was really wrong with me. I did not realize it until my senses messed up. At one point I also thought that I was recuperating. But turns out, it was just a phase and then it slowly made its way to the dreaded stage 4. Now what next? I will die! Simple!

Well.. how, you may ask! Misophonia is a serious case of intolerance to certain noises. I am suffering from Misophonia PSMTN - stage 4!

It gives me this insane drive to yell a "PLEASE STOP MAKING THAT NOISE" to someone who relentlessly slurps, burps or chews loudly while eating. Rather, I don't even feel like yelling anymore, it's more of a push to kill a person. And then what happens when you kill someone?

You go to prison and you die. There.. Stage 4. Death!

That's how serious it is!

I remember my cousin telling me a name for this condition. I had no idea this was actually a disorder. But then, all disorders begin with no name, and then you have a name coined, usually based on the name of the first patient, or the first antidote that was ever produced. Or.. you know what... I really don't care! But they have a name and it's called misophonia and I have it! Period!

Sometimes, there needn't be a solution to disorders. Just get rid of those people around who cause you this disgust or pain or anger. But do we ever do that?

Sometimes, I feel, developing love and lots of love towards people will ease a lot of things. I've been at it! But this doesn't always work! You sometimes wanna shut them up, and feed them through a tube! I know that's a bad thing to say, but c'mon. You can't blame a person suffering from Misophonia! I am suffering - stage 4, and if people don't stop... I may die.. (you know that part right... kill'em-jail-hangedtilldeath-stuff!)

Boy! this rant is just a symptom perhaps!

I'll take a moment to pray for all the souls who suffer from this, and more so for people who are outright pathetic, have no manners and do not know how to chew the food and sip the beverage in the cup.. Good Lord grant them some sense!

And for me.. Well.. I'll see if I have any chance of living! Looks like there are new organic earplugs in market. That should help. Unless the Pharmacy industry decides to curb the distribution of natural remedies and shoves some medicines in the name of cure for Misophonia!

D-uh!

Love the person, or their deeds?

A few instances in the recent past, made me brood over this topic. Uncalled for, but what is life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare. Therefore, while staring at life, at a point, I started wondering whether people love me for who I am, or for what I do. I know a few people who have loved me because I have bought them gifts, I have thrown parties for them, treated them, driven them to places. I also know a few people who say they love me because I hear them out, because I am a good friend. But I am much more. Beyond these obvious qualities, which I express and do, which do seem pretty, I have a dark side too. I have my negatives and I am not proud of them, but I do have them. 

I get angry. I am impulsive. I am a pessimist most of the times, and like I have said on this blog over and over, it takes me time to creep out of the obscurity and appreciate the optimism. I am this person, and I accept myself the way I am. But many people don't. They love me for what I do for them. And when I get angry, impulsive, they stop loving me! They stop it altogether. Is it so easy to un-love someone? They only love the Good Obscure Optimist who always says pleasant things, who showers gifts and treats, who writes pretty poems on muses. But one bad post, makes her a horrible person, and makes people un-love her instantly. I get immediate texts saying, "I don't think I like you anymore". I laugh at such times. Not because it is funny, but because I am one of the outcasts! And I love that feeling.

When I talk about Love here, it is not just "ishq-wala-love", but general love. I tried to understand how do I go about it. I love and hold a few people close to my heart. I could do anything for them. I could fight the world, bare the storm, give all that I have and stand up for them, no matter what. That's how I love. That's my loyalty. Even if they have their negatives, even if they get angry at times, if they lie, if they get mean, or rude or go around making new friends, I would still love them. Because I never loved them, for what they did, I always loved them for who they were. 

Everyone comes with a package. Like I have mentioned in my earlier posts, for me love is acceptance. I accept the other person with this entire package be it positives or negatives. They may give me a pretty pair of earrings one summer, and I could feel elated, but that doesn't boost my love to turn into a craze, or they might lie to me, or get angry and say things, but that doesn't make me love them any less. I may get upset, sad, but I do not stop loving them. 

How does one stop loving people? How can one stop caring? This is the strangest question ever. I wonder, how manipulative emotions are, for some people, with so many "ifs and buts". We hurt our parents so much as we grow up, telling them our way of going about things. They may be right in their place, but we have this different view of life and things, and we teach them, instead, how their approach should be. Despite all this, our parents love us. Then, why is there so much adulteration in other loves. Love amongst friends or partners?

I am lucky to have a few people who take me the way I am, and despite my ugly side, they still stick around. They have not left me, and I am sure, after going through the worst, they are going to stick around for the rest of the life. On one hand, some people make me question the piety of love, on the other hand, some make me believe, that it's ok to live in hope. I have experiences both good and bad, but I have come to learn one thing for sure. I would always love a person for who they are, and not for what they do. Because a human being is a result of its circumstances, and it is not right to judge the act and conclude my feeling towards that person. With time, things may get better and my judgments may change. So loving the other person, is the best way to live. There is no other way! :)

Simple realisations, at times, make life totally worth living! :)

***

PS: Yes, even if the person I love, turns into a terrorist, I cannot come to hate that person. I have given it a thought.. Pretty much!

Feedback!

I have been writing Tangy Tuesday posts lately, and the last one that I wrote, seemed a little hateful - Muse, A-muse. Yes, it was. I don't hate people (Hate is a very powerful emotion. This calls for another post on this topic!), but I make fun of them. I seriously love it, when I pass sarcastic comments on people whom I do not appreciate. 

Of course I am not a perfect human being and there are people who upset me. And there are times when I want to show them the mirror, but I am not someone who judges people. I let them be the way they are. But my rage or feelings need to find a place. Therefore I rant it out, here! 

Is it their attitude towards life, their face, their negativity - I have no clue what affects me. But, I feel better, if I write it down. But today I had someone tell me that my posts do not inspire her. 

Frankly I have never written anything on the blog for the readers. Invariably, I got a few followers anyway, is something I am very thankful for. But I have been a selfish writer and I maintain a blog for myself. I have this competition with myself alone. I do not vie for n number of followers and n number of comments. My blog hardly does rounds on the blog forums and platforms. I just share my posts on FB, because there are some genuine readers who seek updates. No comments or hits on the site, bother me at all. 

Yes, I do appreciate when I get feedback, but I do not blog to get one. So, today I was told by one of my readers that my writing is usually inspiring but I let down the expectations with horrible posts like Muse, A-Muse. 

Point noted. 

Now, there were some people who told me that the post was very nice. I got very good feedback about that post. But, I was forced to dissect the intention of someone telling me that the post was uninspiring. If you read it as a third person, the post looks amusing. But if you read it as someone for whom it was meant, then may be it would be hurtful. Empathizing is very important aspect of living, I feel. And my reader, did exactly that, and got back to me and told me that how cruel it sounded.

My intention is never to promote hate or ill feeling through my blog. It is just for myself, and entertainment of others. If this blog has something to give, please take it, else, there are hundred other bloggers who write with an intention of preaching. I am just not suitable and fit to preach about better topics, so I just rant the state of a human mind, my mind, which questions everything, anything and comments accordingly. 

I would take the feedback positively and make sure, my posts don't appear so hateful. It's true I am capable of a lot of good, than just being sarcastic. But I am one, and I can't hide my bad side, if at all it is labelled as bad. I am what I am, and I will be what I feel is right. Others may disagree, and question my intentions! 

Yes, setting out any negativity in the universe is bad, I totally agree. But there are millions who are already doing it by creating thoughts in their heads, without speaking them out. At least I honestly write about the way I feel and deal with negativity. I don't conspire and spoil lives. Yes, one spoiled  post is all that's ever gonna come out! 

But sure, I understand the importance of writing the good stuff on my blog, because there are people whom I don't even know, read this. I don't fear judgment, but I would never want anyone to misconstrue my writing as "Hate Posts".

Let's all concentrate more on Love, which is very essential today. Sarcasm, can be saved for twitter ;)

Pain and Punjabi Music

Since over a week I am in a lot of pain. Heel pain. The doctor who comes at work told me, that may be I could have a ligament tear, because I am unable to walk. At all. She suggested me the usual X-rays, ortho consult blah blah blah.. Following that, she suggested wearing proper footwear etc. Frankly, I did not see an ortho, because I thought if I was able to manage anyway, it probably wasn't that bad. But it was.

To push myself further, I exercised daily since last one week, and there was a point, and that point came today, that it ached so so much that my feet started feeling numb. Totally. While dancing, I couldn't feel my feet at all. The knees kept hurting all the more, and I just did not know what to do.

I go for this aerobics classes, where Thursdays they teach us Bollywood style. So, for over 30 minutes, I danced in pain and then "I've become so numb" started playing in my head as my body realized that perhaps the feet have separated from my body, and I am just on my knees.

After dancing to all latest Bollywood songs, the trainer put Punjabi tracks. This is usually my favorite part. I was torn down completely. Tears, almost trickling down, because of the unbearable pain. But then, Bhangra began. I usually follow all steps and dance my heart out in the second half of the class. I had no idea, why Punjabi music was so liberating until today.

The song began :

Taare ginn ginn yaad'ch teri main ta jaaga raata nu
rokh na pawan akhiya wicho gham diya barsaata nu

I had never concentrated on the lyrics, assuming I would never understand them. The beats were so catchy that I loved this particular song anyway. It was a party song after all, I thought. 

Since it was Punjabi, I never understood the lyrics. I had never even tried. But today, with every step, I tried to feel my feet, my heartbeat, my breathing pattern and the lyrics. And, for the first time, I realized I was dancing to a sad song and it felt so so good. At more than one levels, that was the kind of pain I felt.

Dil jalake roshan kita mein ta teri adaawa nu
Pipp leh ke mein challeya tere wal sigdhiya thandiya chawa nu
 
Samajh na paayi kyu tu mere pyaar bhare jazbaata nu
Rokh na pawaan akhiya wicho gham diya barsaata nu


Ishq Tera tadpaave...

And as the song ended, I felt liberated. I could feel my feet, I could feel the pain had subsided in the other parts of my body too, and I could feel my heart beating normally, my feet relaxed, my breathing controlled and my spirit brightened.

Sometimes, when you make a celebration of your pain, it all seems pretty. Fireworks. Dancing. Happiness. Freedom.

That's why I have a new found love for Punjabi Music! For more reasons than one. The pain, has really really gone!

And if it ever comes back, then Thursday does come once a week! :)

Muse, A-muse

You know what, I have a muse. Or may be I have muses. I like to write on a few people, about a few people, and they inspire me. But I have never mentioned about someone who is an integral part of my Amusement. She is my A-muse. 

So so amusing, that at one point, I decided to kick her flat arse with a big fat baseball bat, but then I realized  it's very difficult to get a baseball bat in India. We don't play baseball. The American series and sitcoms have really made me believe that we are more or less, you know, Americans. Well, that aside, coming back to my amusement, I wanna smack her with something so hard, that her brains shift back to where they were supposed to be. But, well, if they stay right where they are, I can keep having my little amusement! >:D <EVIL GRIN>

At one point in life I was so fed up of this thing, my a-muse - oh well, let me begin all over. I have an object for amusement. I give it the female gender, because of it's appearance  It could be given a benefit of doubt and be called a male too, at times, but well, I call it "her". She is an Object nonetheless. Just a pretty little object. No human traits, otherwise, just cold, insensitive, speechless, emotionless little object. And I have hated it for a while.

But, I realized  the likes of Rumi, and Osho made me realize - that hate is futile. But humor is fun! The best way to hate someone is to make fun of them. Ouch, that hurt, didn't it. I was always this sarcastic champion in my head. I wouldn't blurt out expressions, fearing judgments and opinions, but what the heck, my blog, my a-muses and my comments. Who cares.

So among all the muses- the lovely ones, I have this one ugly A-muse. No no, don't judge me for being so cruel and commenting on her looks. She looks pretty. That's why people fall for her. All pretty objects attract all cruel intentions, don't they! 

But I know about all the ugliness and much funnier things that are really actually associated with her, that makes me wanna call her A-muse. She really amuses me. So, that's what she's gonna be. All of us, have one or the other a-muses in our lives. 

Let's face it. We do. I am someone's a-muse and I couldn't be happier if someone came and told me that they hate me so much that they wanna make fun of me! I'd be so thankful for considering me to be a source of entertainment for gloomy souls. 

But if someone who thinks I am their a-muse, and they hate me, and instead of making fun of me, they conspire to make my pretty awesome life miserable, then.............. I usually don't do much! I just get back, make them my A-muse and make fun of them! :D 

There is no greater satisfaction in laughing over how certain people all of a sudden start appearing like objects. Objects you could, kick, throw, and play with! :D

My poetic side hardly comes out, at such times, when I see these A-muses. They make me wanna introduce Baseball in India. Seriously! Where the hell do we get those bats! No, don't suggest hockey sticks. They might just break! 

I was almost thinking of making a separate tag for my A-muse, but does she deserve so much importance? Well, she does. She has changed my life so drastically, that she does need at least a tag, if not a big blow! I can give her that! She'd have place at least somewhere!

***

Well, I am not really that person, you know! I just rant at times, and I find that I am better off paying attention to my muses than trying to accommodate poor A-muse somewhere. It's true that, that object has occupied a huge space in my head, and needs to find a drain out.
This is it, I feel. I put that b*a** out of my mind, and into this post. She has been awfully amusing, and I hope she makes way for my creatives juices, so that I fall deeper and deeper in love with my muses.

And of course whenever I need Amusement, I know I always have that one perfect A-muse! And I don't wanna ever lose her! Seriously! 

BLF2 - Experiences 1

There are some things that you look forward to , desperately, and when it arrives you experience a marijuana-kinda high. You feel that you are lost in a  different world altogether. There are no prejudices, no judgments and you are all by yourself  living the quintessential part of your dream, where you think that you are a perpetual part of a literary club and you spend your life interacting with the laureates. 

Well, that's how it was for me, for the past three days at the Bangalore Literature Fest. The second edition of this fest was on a much larger scale and it gave me a chance to participate as a volunteer and give back to the community who has given us such beautiful pieces of literature. I thought it would be my way of expressing my gratitude to all the authors and laureates who come up with these amazing pieces of literature which keep avid readers like me entertained.

The thirst for knowledge is unending. Sometimes I feel I could read all my life. I could go on reading and reading and reading, and there are times, when I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. Some days, I pray I was a zombie, so that I don't experience human conditions like fatigue etc. That's the kinda high reading gives. And BLF was the perfect place to be for enthusiasts like me! (Kinda rhymed, didn't it?)

BLF was nothing less than a celebration. I don't know where to begin. I don't think I can write a big post here. Or I might just end up writing one. I have no clue. I want to write because I don't want to forget things, but I am still existing, not in the present, but in the past, and it's difficult to pull myself from those beautiful moments back into reality. I am somewhere loitering in the limbo, enjoying those moments, feeling the kick and basking in the warmth of the sunshine in the beautiful green lawns.

But, it had to end some day. All good things come to an end. And only when things end, I get a chance to rant about it. So, let me start how the volunteering deal all began. 

BLF-1 was a very unique experience. That was the time when I was reading the Shiva Trilogy and Amish's session was like an icing on the cake. Hearing the man himself speak about the last book of the trilogy glued me to the fest even more. After the three day of soul-satisfying rendezvous with all awesome people, I decided that I would be a part of the fest the next time. Hanging around in Bangalore kinda paid off, and when I saw the  updates about BLF-2, I wrote to these wonderful guys and they had me on board in the volunteering team. 

Slogging has never been so much fun. After the initial meeting at the venue on Saturday before the event, I was a little skeptical about how we would all gel together. 30-40 of us were total strangers. A few of them knew each other, but I knew none of them. I wondered, how would we work as a team and pull this off. I always live in doubt, and then find myself creeping out of the obscurity with a convincing alibi. So, obscurely optimist about the whole deal, I plunged into it, without thinking much. 

That's one decision I would never regret in life. Not only did I make some lovely friends, but also found reading enthusiasts with whom I could talk about the topics I loved. The volunteering team had a majority of members from the Symbi Coll of Mass Comm and they were this exuberant lot, who reminded me of my college days, when we slogged for hours and days and weeks to make a fest successful. Working with them was like going back to college. I learnt so many things from them. Apart from the students, there were veterans who knew how to deal with the mood swings of the  celebrities, how to fetch things for them, and how to deal with crisis. Not that I didn't know any of it, but this was a totally different platform and I always try and learn!

The event was taken care of by the Redbox event management firm and they did a fantastic job! Here are some pictures! 

I'll write about the specifics in coming posts, because there is so much to write, but words just don't seem to gather for a write up  Yep! I am still in the past! I know.. I should be moving on, but like a love you lose, you expect to hang in there and expect it to turn back, and it takes a while to move on, this is just like that.. :)

I had few very personal, beautiful experiences during the fest.

I am this dreamy writer. I have fictions going on in my mind all the time. There was a time when all the fictions would come on the blog and I would effortlessly bring life to the characters. But now a days, they just exist inside my head and talk to each other. I would want to bring them to life someday, but I don't know, if it's denial, or laziness or sheer lack of motivation that I do not do the essential thing. 

Basking in the glory of fictions that always go in my head, I took the characters with me to the BLF. I never thought I would have a face for my characters. But my protagonist, just walked my way. I saw her, and I thought 'isn't she someone I was always wanting to write about?'. All my poetry, stories found a muse. I fell in love with her instantly. The  vibrancy was so forthcoming, that I couldn't help but start writing all over again. 

It'll take a while to get the stories going, also I don't know if i wanna publish any of those, but this experience matches only one experience that I had before. I could feel a sense of deja vu and I realized  if I let go this opportunity of writing my thoughts down, then it would never ever happen. I don't know if she knows what a difference she has made to my life! But she has! :) (If you are reading, lady!)

***

Since I was volunteering, I did not get a chance to attend the sessions. I happened to hold a few moments steady and sit for a session with Gulzaar Saab and Prasoon Joshi. There aren't many things that move me. But these few lines here, did that. I was in tears, inconsolable. Like he just spoke what was in my mind. Only that, it wasn't me! 



Lamhe

Main aksar pilpile lamhe utha kar dekhta rehta hu 
ungli se daba kar
hawa ke bulbulo jaise hi lagte hai
har ek lamhe me koi ek dhadakta waqt rakha hai
pichak jaaye koi toh jaane kya nikle?

ya ho sakta hai  tanhai ka virana nikal aaye
ya balkhata bagula koi bhanwrata hua nikale 
uda de aur fir paanv na padne de zameen par

samandar phoot ke nikle kisi lamhe se shayad
aur aankh bhar jaaye

bade zarkhez hote hai ye lamhe
kai toh haamla hote hai unse aur lamhe janm lete hai
magar kuch baanjh bhi hote hai sukhe ber ki gutli ke jaise
wo pichakte hai na kat te hai 
wo pichakte hai na kat te hai

***

More in next post~

...to be contd..

Flipping back the pages!

I am not very great at poetry, but I think I am sometimes really good with rhymes :P I have a lot of unpublished limericks, a few in Hindi and mostly in English. I feel a little embarrassed to post the Hindi ones, because I really wanna be very good at Hindi and I am not. I fair OK at English, so I prefer it over any other language. Nonetheless, today, I'll break the routine, and post this one! :D 

This was a situational composition :P

***

Fasa Liya ;)

Ek taraf tujhe bitha kar

duniya ko dikha diiya

Aur ek ko yaaron, maine

apne pyaar me fasa liyaa

 

Shakal par likha hai saaf

Afsana mere dil ka

Ab main akele nahi bharungi

poora hissa mere bill ka

 

tujhe bhi shamil kar saath me

Maine raazdaar bana diyaa

Aur ek ko yaaron maine

apne pyaar me fasa liyaa

 

Soya karte the tanha

Khauf si lagti thi raat

Akele hi gunguna liya karte the

kuch lafz kuch jazbaat

 

Ab fone pe ghazale suna kar

Tujhe kayi baar rula diyaa

Aur ek ko yaaron maine

apne pyaar me fasa liyaa

 

Tasveer khud hi ki dekhte the

karte the aaine ka deedar

Tujhe dekha toh laga

bas sar aakhon pe baithe sarkaar

 

Sote the khaak,

ab tumko bhi jaga diyaa

Aur ek yaaron maine

apne pyaar me fasa liyaa!!