Ennui - Enough!

(Picture Courtesy: Pooja Cornelius)

I  pour a coffee for myself. Black, without Sugar.
It's lent, I justify.

It's a beautiful evening and there is not much noise on the road. I sit in my balcony looking at the beautiful purple flowers bloom on a leafless tree.

Abhishek bachchan was in Nagpur for the music release of Dum Maro Dum, I think and try to feel bad for missing the chance. It was my city, I could have easily made it, had I known, that he was coming. I don't feel bad, somehow.

I try to think about the song that DellNaaz plays for me. It's a suggested track from a friend, from the movie Game, again AB jr flick.

The song goes on..

Maine kab ye socha tha hoga yu kabhi
raah me yu mil jayenge do ajnabi
hum dono jo paas aaye toh
dil jitna khush hai utna hairaan

I am falling, falling in love with you...

I like Shaan's voice. I allow the song to mesmerize me. It fails to do it. The chorus sounds lovely.. I try to learn the words, and sing along..

I am falling..falling in love with you...

I get the words right in 3 attempts.

There's a playing area to the left of our apartment. I look at the stranded see-saw in the park. Something separates the park from the civilization. It looks un-maintained and the bright yellow of the see-saw still looks effervescent.

I try and think about the wonderful days of childhood, but it fails to form a thought in my mind.

I realise, for a change, my mind is not at work, at all. I like the feeling.

I notice a cat trying to escape from underneath the fence. Strictly not an Ailurophile, I astound myself, feeling the pain. The fence scratches the cat, I feel the hurt. I keep staring at it, as it makes it's way to the other side and sprints swiftly .

An immediate distraction, is the wind. I feel it in my hair, as the sun sets. The purple flowers fall from the tree. There's an elation. My heart feels it.

Mind is blank. I am tempted to type a message on my cellphone and send it to 2 people.

But I don't do it. I feel like the cat, fear the hurt.
I want to get to the other side of the fence.

Someone realises my propinquity and sends an email.

It reads "Do something this time..if you..."
I am perplexed. I think it's time to cross the fence.

I scroll down my message inbox, I stop on one message.
It seems like a revelation. I decide to cross the fence.

How I wish I could simply hop over it..

I fall asleep listening to Hoobastank - The Reason, in loop.

I'm not a perfect person.
 there are many things I wish I didnt do
but I continue learning.
I never meant to do those things to you. and so I have to say before I go,
that I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me,
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you


I'm sorry that I hurt, its something
I must live with everyday
and all the pain I put you through,
I wish that I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears,
thats why I need you to hear


I've found a reason for me,
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that I do,
and the reason is you