Lockdown Day 5 - Forgive, but don't forget!

 I went on a random word generator app, and the words that came were these:

It possibly is a great co-incidence that I was thinking of a saga that went on for years together with a friend-turned-into-a-stranger, wondering when was the hatchet actually buried? Did I end it or did he?

Or did the episode eventually die, creating a vacuum, sucking in all the anger and disappointment, slowly turning me into someone who cared less!

Did we actually end up becoming good friends again? Was there ever a possibility of going back to what we were before? No! I don’t think so.

We may have spoken again on many occasions but things never went back to the way they were!

It will take a fiction-attack for me to write the story down, because I can’t really narrate it in first person all that happened! It would be a tough attack on the other person, and one-sided stories are, as you know, biased! I don’t want to be the person who does that! So, we stick to the lessons!

The millennial saying that’s been doing rounds lately is “I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received”.

Woke as it may sound, but we all seek peace. Lately we are actively seeking it. But this has been the human conquest since the very beginning and man has been doing innumerable things to achieve this.

One may say, that humans yearn for happiness, sure! Happiness is the result of peace! When you have no worry about the past and no anxiety about the future, you are pretty sorted. The worries of past majorly consist for 3 things – Regret, Guilt and Hurt!

It is absolutely important to resolve these two before you start living in the present!

The secret to this, forgiveness! There are only two way out of these two emotions – 

Either forgive the other person who’s hurt you, or forgive yourself, and let go of the regret and guilt!

I will speak for myself here!

For years, I have lived with hurt and regrets! Triggers would come in many ways and tickle the wound, sometimes, it would open it so wide, that it would take me back to the time when it was fresh! It would be harrowing!!

I would do numerous things to temporarily, seal the wound – or numb it!

Numbing it would give me a brief period of pleasure and forgetfulness – most of you may know or relate to this feeling as intoxication. The feeling of pain would surely subside, but the wound would remain.

Intoxication is has myriad dimensions. I am not talking about substance abuse here (or perhaps that too!), but one may adhere to extreme measures to forget the pain. I did too. I got busier than usual and did not allow my mind to wander where it would go and get hurt again!

But how long would have that helped? Only so much!

Finally, I realized, I didn’t have to numb the pain anymore. I had to heal it! Only then I would be able to face the triggers more gracefully!

And so I decided to forgive! 

I decided to forgive the other person for being insensitive. I forgave myself for expecting too much. I forgave the other person for defaming me. I forgave myself for not believing in myself enough. I forgave the other person for breaking my friendships, I forgave myself for choosing wrong people. I forgave the other person for saying spiteful things to me. I forgave myself for not drawing the boundaries in closest of relationships and friendship! 

Forgiveness is not a one-time job. Sure, it begins with the first time, which is the hardest, and then you keep doing it over and over again until it stops bothering you. You then know that you have healed the wound and the triggers are just passing winds! Because you have learnt what life had to teach!

Another very precious quote goes like this “You chose your lessons, not the teacher!”.

And so the soul takes you on journeys that are hurtful, expeditious and finally worth living! Learning these beautiful lessons through other people is what life is all about. One cannot exist alone, so we co-exist. We may hurt each other, but we do have the most powerful tool to heal - Forgiveness!

I was once told - You needn't learn lessons through anger, hurt or fear! They can be learnt through love too! And believe me, that is the best way!

Forgiveness isn’t just a fancy word – it is an elixir to all dying souls, who have not felt love and vigor in a while – if you are one of them – try it!

Forgive, but don’t forget the lesson!

Lockdown day 4 - Introspection during Isolation

Copyright : Obscureoptimist

Isolation is hard. There are so many things that have been sporadic in our list of priorities. We'd pick things up on a patch-fix basis, and not address the most important ones despite knowing the severity!

I am sure we have had a list of things we wanted to do or achieve, or become and never found the time to do so. There are basic things, like cleaning up, which probably was pending since years, has finally found attention of people. I see people exercising - ones who have never had time to do it more diligently before. I see people reading out poems on their IGTV, and sharing beautiful thoughts on their social media.

I see people doing math equations, quizzes and puzzles and sharing them on whatsapp. The mind is being put to work!

People are basically thinking what more to do than what they have always been doing. Especially now when there is nothing to do, nowhere to be.

How beautiful, right?!

I have been binge watching a few series on Netflix. I finished You, and Stranger things - All seasons and now life has come to a standstill. You know how it is, right? I want to watch more series, but there is nothing that can match the rush and excitement that these two series gave me. I guess now it's time to move on to another genre!

The content consumption for me has indeed been drastic. For years, I've had no time to watch the so-called netflix hits, series that were acclaimed. I was always lagging and wouldn't match the consumption speed of people around me. Just because, a good night's sleep after a tired day at work seemed less ludicrous,  and more exciting, I would give up on series and prefer sleeping instead!

It's like, when you've been hungry for days, and you find food, you gobble up only to realise that your appetite is only so much! Then you go without food for another few days and find what really suits your gut.

Same is the case when we feed our minds with things. We have been in a rut, or a routine, whatever you want to call it, since years now. A break to it, has given us an opportunity to delve into all possibility our mind thinks we've missed. So we try to exercise, cook, put posts on social media, try to read, watch series, sing, dance, clean, and eventually reach a dead end, because it isn't giving you the feeling you hoped for!

You want to do things, but it's not really enjoyable! Have you felt this?

It takes a while to break patterns and develop new ones! If you have been observant enough, you will know what is working for you and what isn't. If you need physical rest, give your body all of it. If you need a mental break, take a break and rejuvenate, healthily. IF you need an emotional detox - dissociate from people who cause emotional distress. This isn't a competition. you don't have to do it all during this quarantine time .You can choose to heal, rest, and treat your body, heart and mind they way you want!

Isolation is a great time to do all of it.

And when you have healed, sealed all the gaps, take on the things that you always wanted to do with renewed energy and head-space! You may think this is a long quarantine!! But believe me, it isn't. Time is too less, and if you see and think about all that you always wanted to do, the days are passing by way too quickly.

Rejuvenate your body mind and soul, and find the purpose, which has been long forgotten!

Try it!! The other side of all this, will be golden!!!

Lockdown Day 3 ~ The Mind is a Cage!

It's a dumb post! Really. You can skip it if you want!

I am jotting it down just for the heck of it. Today is day 3 of the lockdown and  I had to step out of the house for some essentials. I went out on Day 1 too, but that was panic calling in and I had to stock up. The other day the roads were awfully quiet and it felt eerie and lonely outside.

It was a very stressful outing. I also was supposed to carry some stuff for my neighbours who couldn’t go out. During this outing, I realised, what a cage we live in. The cage obviously is the mind! My panic and anxiety peaked. I am usually not the one who stresses out so easily. I have a pretty good control over any situation until it really goes overboard. This was perhaps one of those situations.

I remember my grandfather telling me the stories of war. How it used to be during the British time, or during the China war and how during a curfew getting basic necessity was a big deal. They survived through it all. As a generation we are surely better than our grandparents - most of us I assume!

We have bigger houses to live in, food stocked up, and most important we have phone and internet with which we can get in touch with our families who are also isolated in another part of the country!

This time, the trains and basic transportation services were also stopped - this is for the first time in history - imagine the gravity of the situation! And we thought our grandparents have seen it all! And it’s all good for us now!

Nope!

Today the roads had some people going around for groceries too - rather too freely. Was I one of them I wondered. My want probably is a need for someone else at the moment! Do you know, how we go out and buy two things extra anticipating that we will use it when the time comes!

Do you have those multi color mugs, plates and spoons? Or multi flavoured biscuits, oats and noodles?

Or a variety of fruits?

Believe me, I have hoarded all of these too, not just during this time of lockdown, but all the time. Despite giving minimalism a priority, an inherent human tendency to hoard, always stays! It is a fight for survival, after all! Whose survival now though?

It startles me, how we become family oriented - thinking about a select few, when there are so many out there, walking hundreds of kilometres back home! They are a family too. Could we do something for them? Are we already doing?

If I were in their place, what kind of anxiety would I have? I could even pass out or die given that situation of homelessness, hunger, water depravity and only way of reaching home is to - walk!

 It makes no sense to have anxiety, sitting an apartment, with groceries stocked up!

IT IS ALL IN THE MIND!

The mind is the cage and one needs to set everything in it free.. Breathe freely, and be beyond the doubts of "What if".

I know one fact for sure - Nature made us, and for sure she will take care! Either she will provide, or teach a lesson!

It's up to us to be grateful in all that she has to offer and learn whatever the lesson is …. Or misuse and -stay dumb!

There is a lot of depth and lot of layers in whatever is happening!! Set the mind free, you will see it. Believe me~!!

~

Lockdown Day 2 - Where are you Summer?

Picture Courtesy : Diba

Oh! Sweet Summer

You are as late as my lover,

Who promised to come with warmth of distant lands

And a little sea.

He said he would bring the silences of the woods

And some mystery

Long so long, just like you, Summer,

The sky's been shrouded for far too long

And The clouds are

 in a constant uproar!

I can't tolerate the unforgiving wind

The sea can't stay put on the shore

~

Hopes rising

And falling

Just like tides

The waves, were locked down

For far too long!

The spell has changed the lunar moods

Can't tell, If we all can play along!

Bit by bit,

like the day crumbling into

The dungeons of night

We are touching

what's the trough of it all

A gentle wish, to rise to the crest

To stay afloat, on the other side

After this mighty, mighty Fall!

***

It has been raining, hasn't it? 

What is like in your part of the world? I am not sure what season it's supposed to be right now, but after years of following a certain pattern, I know that this time of the year is Summer! At least the starting of it, if not the peak!

But there are no signs of it.  A few days back, when it started to feel a little warm, I was a tad relaxed, thinking how this will weaken the virus. They say it doesn't exist beyond 27-30 Deg C. But the temperatures have been dropping and though the idea of summers being cool is welcoming, we want this summer to hit its peak as soon as possible. 

What does humidity do to you? Irritate you? Make you comfortable? What is it?

It's like a bad mixture of two potions. You don't get to taste either blissfully! But one good thing about whatever season / weather the nature has been throwing at us, is the colors in the sky!

I am eternally in love with the colors of the sky! I love taking pictures of the vast azure, I love deciphering how nature speaks to us in different shades. I sometimes feel, I am the sky, expanded infinitely, encompassing all that is, and sometimes, it feels like a mere illusion. You know it's there, but it isn't. Sometimes, like my own existence!

Lockdown Day 1

Amidst all that is happening, I thought, i might as well, journal all that is happening during the times of covid-19.

This is day-5 of isolation for me. From what I see on social media and internet, I know that some people have been indoors for longer than that. It really hit me, when the maids were refused entry in our society. That is how dependent we are on external factors.

Organically my diet reduced to what was ''essential" for survival as compared to treating oneself as  a perk for working hard all through the day. Obviously what followed was also cleaning up after meals and maintaining the house. It had been a long time since I did it all on my own. 

I am sure many would be blogging about what they are doing during this lockdown, but I would like to highlight, how wonderfully my affirmations are manifesting.

During the start of 2020, I picked two words for the year - Consistency and Discipline. Both in the same order and sense. None higher than the other.  This was regarding all that I wanted to do in my life but had missed for very many reasons - Writing being one of them! I had fortunately become consistent with writing lately, of course medium being Instagram or just little musings in my diary.

The idea was to be consistent with one post per day, even if it wasn't publishable. While looking back, and turning the pages of my diary, I noted, that I had indeed made a commitment of being regular on the blog too. But that never happened. It has been ages since I took my writing seriously, though that is the only one thing I want to be known by.

Silly and strange how things become.

I had gotten way to busy, in my professional life that I barely found time to feed my interests some time and energy. Finally this lock-down pushed me to do it.

I wish I could have started jotting down a true account of my isolation right from my Day 1, but better late than never!

Day 5 is not too bad, considering the government extended the lock-down to 21 days starting 24th March Midnight.

Also, one of the more interesting things is that - This is the period of Aries  (the sun-sign). And I love this time of the year. I hope this bring revelations to all of us, great health, cheer and realizations.

Bear with me, as I mend my blog posts, become more consistent with the format and gradually bring in the much needed discipline in publishing it online.

After all, in the times of social media, the beauty of journaling, never fades!

How are you keeping up with the lock-down?